Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Thinking About the New Year

I am looking down the road at 2009 and I know some of what it holds for me. More trips to the doctor for my bowel and more procedures. I decided it is time to go back to my doctor. Unfortunately for me, he is booked all of January. My appointment is for February 3rd, 2009. I will call in January if things get worse. I am having difficulty eliminating and it is not due to constipation. Something is restricted. I did not notice this problem when I saw the doctor on December 9th, 2008. In the weeks since the appointment, things have gotten worse. These symptoms are the same ones I experienced prior to my surgery in August 2007. Back then they found that my colon was folded, thus the problems with eliminating. Now I am back where I started minus the endometriosis. I decided that I am not going to ask God why. No more whys. It is all about trusting and loving Him. Am I willing to follow where He leads? Am I willing to sacrafice? Definitely, I will see the Lord do wonderful works in 2009.

O my soul, why be so gloomy and discouraged? Trust in God! I shall again praise Him for His wondrous help; He will make me smile again, for He is my God! Psalm 43:5

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Family Day Trip

It was a gorgeous day today so we decided to get out of the house and take a trip up to Oak Glen where the apple orchards are. Oak Glen is up in the mountains and there was snow on the ground. The boys had a great time throwing snowballs at each other and their Dad. We went to the ranch and took a hike up the nature trail. The above picture is a view from the trail. After our hike we went to the ranch cafe and had lunch. We ate pulled pork sandwiches, beans, potato salad and sipped on hot apple cider. For a snack we had mini hot donuts. Yum! We all had a fantastic time, it sure was nice to get out. Here is a picture with Mark and the boys.

Eric is nearly 6 ft. tall. Brandon is as tall as me now. Time seems to be going faster now that they are older.

On the health front, I am still having issues with my bowel. Keep getting touches of nausea and pressure in the bowel. Will need to go back and see my doctor. Pain-wise I did really well on our day trip. Last time we went to Oak Glen was in 2006 and we all remembered how much pain I was in back then. Thank God all the endometriosis is gone. It was wonderful to travel in the car without pain.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Brandon's Birthday

Here are some pictures from Brandon's birthday.
He is 14 years old now.

Happy Birthday Brandon!

Christmas Memories

This one of my favorite pictures. This is from Christmas 2000, when the boys were 6 and 7. They gave me their Christmas cards and a big hug.

Christmas 2002
Eric is 9 yrs. old and Brandon is 8 yrs. old.

Christmas 2005
Eric is 12 and Brandon is 11.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Christmas is Coming

Here is a daytime picture of our Christmas tree this year. My oldest son Eric put on a combo of white & red lights. He put the skirt down and set his Christmas train up underneath. We decorated the tree together. Grandma and Grandpa from Arizona visited with us this weekend. We all had a wonderful visit. Friday night I made a dinner of meatballs in mushroom gravy, mashed potatoes, creamed corn, cranberry/walnut green salad and rolls. For dessert we had a blueberry triamisu. We ate dinner in the sunroom next to the Christmas tree. It was a wonderful evening. Saturday Mark took Eric over to the Discovery Science museum to participate in a Rubic's Cube competition, while Brandon spent special alone time with his grandparents. It was Eric's first competition and he placed 49th out of 56 contestants. I think he did great for his first time. In the evening the boys spent more time with their grandparents and Mark & I went out for a romantic dinner. Then later we all met back at the house and enjoyed watching a Christmas movie. The next morning we had breakfast together and then we said our goodbyes. In the afternoon Eric met with his merit badge counselor and completed all his work to get the rank of Life Scout. I am so proud and happy for him. After Life Scout is Eagle, I hope he can make it to the top.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I Caught It

Hello all, I was finally knocked flat by the nasty virus. Ugh! So were the boys and we had to cancel their party. Eric came down sick on Thursday last week and Brandon on Friday. Saturday the both of them were laying around which for two active boys they have got to be sick doing that. ;-) I myself was not feeling so great, I did not feel like cleaning or fixing food, so Mark called our invited guests and let them know we were all sick. So glad he did because I just kept getting sicker. Sunday evening it hit me hard. Monday morning I woke sick, but I had to take Eric to the orthodontist, then I took him out to get his birthday gift. I did not want to let him down since we already had to cancel the party. I also managed to make his birthday dinner with Mark's help. This morning I awoke feeling so horrible I parked myself on the sofa and did nothing except rest, which has helped.

My stomach is still giving me trouble. The pain is not nearly as bad as it was in early November, but it is still there and causes me not to eat much. Sometimes I wonder if it is viral as Mark and Brandon have complained of stomach trouble. My trouble seems to be worse than what they have though. I am just waiting things out. I have gotten skinny, I usually wear a 8 or 10 in GV jeans, but now wear a 4. I am trying to enjoy the new slender me. I do not know what is ahead, I have been seeking the Lord and found this verse today in my devotional which spoke to me.

"He will not be afraid of evil tidings; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord." Psalm 112:7

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Too Much

The pain I was feeling in my tummy yesterday finally left and I was able to eat pretty well today. We took the boys out for hamburgers tonight. I ate my first hamburger since the surgery and it went down alright. Unfortunately, my throat hurts. It has felt a bit scratchy for days, but today it feels sore. Mark says that I probably have his virus. So far I am not as sick as he has been and I hope it stays that way because I am hosting a birthday party for my sons on Sunday afternoon. Eric has been complaining that he has a headache and feels lousy. Brandon has been having tummy troubles. Even so they are full of energy and excited about their birthdays & Christmas. I have been trying to finish up my Christmas cards, plus working on my Christmas lists. I am so not done! Plus, I have to get everything set for the party. My "To Do" list is too long.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

CT Scan Results

Hey everyone, just an update on the scan. I do not even know where to begin. I will start with my doctor I guess. I go to a university medical center. My doctor is a professor, so he has student doctors that come in and talk to me first. Then he will come in and talk to me. Well, the student doctor came in and told me that everything with the CT scan was normal. He had the attitude that most doctors have: you are fine...now go home. I expected to hear that every thing was fine with the scan.

Okay, my doctor, he is really good at seeing things on CT scans. Even so, I did not expect to hear what he said, that he found a narrow section of my bowel in the area that I am complaining there is pain. He said it could be that it was just a contraction of my bowel, but if it is a narrow spot it will need to be repaired. I pretty much went into shock when he told me this and became dumb and I sat there stupidly. I just told him that I have been feeling better lately. He asked if I was all better and I hung my head and said "no" not yet. Since I told him I am feeling better he said he will consider it to be a contraction of my bowel. He said I do not need to come back only if I feel I need to. I kept thinking about what he said all day and night. I prayed seeking God's guidance. God tells me He loves me and He will take care of me. I am trying to rest in that, but I am having a lot of trouble. I keep looking at the waves and not my Lord.

I am having pain today so that has my emotions all worked up. After thinking for so long I came up with some questions. I called to see if I could talk to my doctor, but I met up with a big intimidating computerized phone barrier. After pushing a bunch of buttons and listening to recording after recording I gave up. I will have to schedule an appointment if I want to talk to him again. I am not sure how to handle the emotions I have.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Holiday Lift

In the waiting room at my doctor's office there was a bulletin board with some health tips for the holidays. There were several lists, I copied down the list below which not only applies to the holidays, but to everyday life. Here are five things we can do to help lift our mood.

1. List 5 things you enjoy
2. Consider 5 things that make you thankful
3. Get up and walk - fresh air & sunshine release hormones that lift our mood.
4. Do something nice for someone.
5. Take time to do something you enjoy.

Happy Holidays!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Expelled - The Movie

Have you seen the movie "Expelled" by Ben Stein? I never saw it in the theater, but I eagerly awaited the DVD. We rented it this weekend. I highly recommend moms letting their teenagers watch this documentary movie.

Not much on the home front besides me being too busy. I have all my regular housework to do with Christmas, birthdays and sick people duties on top. It is very overwhelming for me at this time of year. It is bad enough having one child's birthday at Christmas time, but two? Please! And this is the time of year when viruses come around which only adds to the drama. Right now my dear husband is lying on the couch with his virus, he has been there all weekend while I have been running around getting shopping done, cooking meals, doing laundry and cleaning. Now mind you, I am not in tip top shape myself. I do have a bit of the cold my husband has. Plus, I just got over a bladder infection which the antibiotics gave me a problem with yeast. Then on top of that I am still healing from surgery! Why is it that I am doing it all and my husband is lounging on the couch asking me what is for dinner? The world may never know.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

My Saturday

Today I took a bit of time for me in the morning. All my men were sleeping, so the house was nice and quiet. The kitties could hardly wait to have their breakfast. They always come and bug me till I get up to feed them. After I fed them, I turned the heater on and put the tea kettle on the burner. I made myself a cup of hot tea and some oatmeal. Then I heated a cranberry roll and slathered it with butter. I put a blanket down on the sofa and sat in its warmth while I ate my breakfast and watched a Christmas cooking show. My youngest son is always an early riser. We cuddled on the couch for awhile and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. It was a very nice morning.

My "To Do" list included Christmas shopping, so I went to the mall. I tackled getting gifts for my 6 nieces. I went to Macy's and they had the prettiest Christmas jewelry on sale for $6. I did not get any, I resisted the temptation. I wound up at Bath & Body Works and I bought "Twisted Peppermint" bubble bath for my nieces. This soap smells so good with a combination of mint, sugar and vanilla. I love the smell so much that I bought some bubble bath for myself. ;-)

I also got myself a pair of brown leather pumps today. I have been searching for just the right pair and I finally found them. The extra special treat was that I got them for $26!! DSW sent me a coupon in the mail for $20 off a pair of shoes. It was a deal I could not pass by.

Then it was home to have some lunch, do some laundry, wrap presents and help my son with his report for history. Then I made dinner, which was pasta. For the sauce, I sauteed some spinach with olive oil, garlic, basil and a sprinkle of onion salt. I added a jar of spaghetti sauce and heated it all through. I served it sprinkled with parmesan and mozzarella cheeses. It is a good way to get my boys to eat spinach.

In the mail I received a package from my friend Kathy. She sent me homemade fudge. Yum! I think my Saturday has been very blessed, except for my husband being sick with a cold. I hope my turn to catch the cold can stay away until after my doctor appointment on Tuesday. That is the day I will get the results of my CT scan.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Christmas Present

I got an early Christmas present this week. When you have children, you always have to be prepared for the unexpected, but sometimes we just are not. Wednesday morning I needed to go over to the medical center to pick up my packet of contrast for my CT scan. It was a home school day for my sons, so they were home. Being teenagers they do not like to go with Mom anywhere unless they absolutely have to. They wanted to stay home and continue working on their studies. Well, I was not going to be gone long, so I let them stay home. My oldest son was on "my" computer writing an essay for English class. I asked him to behave himself and not go on the internet. He promised he would be good.

Okay, I got over to the medical center, picked up my packet and was on my way home when I got a call on my cell phone. It was my son and he told me the computer crashed. I knew immediately that he had broken his promise. I hoped that it would be simple to remedy, but unfortunately it was not. Even my husband, who works in computers, could not get our computer running properly again. Our son had a computer of his own at one time, but he crashed it. Motherly love let him use mine.

With things being so bad, my husband decided to buy me a new computer...my Christmas present. He has been working diligently getting it all set up for me. He is such a wonderful man! He is also going to work on my old computer (it is only 4 years old) and try to get it running enough that both boys can use it for typing school papers. No internet! I talked to another mother who has 2 sons, all grown now. She said that when her sons were teenagers they would come home from school and get on her computer while she was a work. She said they crashed her computer about 3 times. As grown adults, her sons are very successful and they work with computers. ;-)

Okay, back to my doctor appointment stuff. I went to my GP and my bladder infection is gone. Yeah! My eating is still improving and I really have much to praise God for. The CT scan went well, except for my age old problem of them having difficulty finding a vein. The dear nurses were so sweet, I did not have any reason to complain. However, I will complain about the contrast because it has upset my tummy. And my poor husband who just got over being sick, has caught another bug. Ugh!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Christmas at the Cottage

Merry December greetings to all! Here is a little bit of Christmas at my cottage. I made the wreath years ago. The pink cranberry vase is an antique from my grandmother. I love it so much. Then I have pretty gold angels and then the one with a pink cloth backing.

This is another of my grandmother's vases graced with red flowers and a Christmas doily underneath. We do not have our tree up yet. We usually get that up closer to Christmas because we always get a live tree. Mark cannot stand the artificial trees, he has to have a live one. The fresh pine scent is always wonderful.

Today I was blessed with helping a new homeschooling mom. Her son is new to our school and has made friends with my son, Eric. She had her son in a public school, but he was being persecuted by fellow students for being a Christian. It was so bad that she had to take him out of school and the Lord led her to our school. I am very happy that they have come because Eric likes her son very much, they hit it off immediately.

On the health front, I am not having anymore terrible stomach aches like I was. I am very much amazed by this. I am having some trouble with bloating and things are still not quite to my liking yet, but I am improving. Thursday I have an appointment with my GP to check if the infection is gone from my bladder. Then on Friday I am set to have a CT scan on my bowel. Mark is going to take that day off from work. It will be very nice to have his company. I do not want to do the scan, but Mark says I should. He wants to make sure I am going to be alright. I will be glad when it is over with.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Joy in the morning

Today I woke up joyful. I sincerely believe that God gave me that joy. A blessed gift from Him to me, I am so thankful! I began my day with cooking in the kitchen. It was my day to make our personal family thanksgiving. We celebrate with family, but we like to enjoy a feast for just the four of us, unless we host Thanksgiving day. It has become our tradition.

No turkey soup this year, or sandwiches because I cooked a chicken. With all that I have been through a chicken was easier. Even so, the meal came out good and all my men were very satisfied. While everything cooked I worked on another Christmas tree craft. This next one I have named "Christmas at Tiffany's" because it is white, silver & turquoise. Here I am in our sun room with my two kitties. Mark took this picture.

The sun room is not the neatest place right now. It is where the boys do their studies and where we keep all the homeschooling stuff. When we are not using it for school we use it for summer dining or entertaining. Next picture below is a picture of a hawk that Mark also took. The hawk visited our backyard today, it had an eye on our rabbit. We usually let our bunny run about the yard for exercise, but today we had to put her back in her hutch as I didn't want her to become a meal.

I do love the hawks, but they are predators. So much of their land has been lost to housing and they have no where else to go for food. It is really quite sad.

I have to say that I had a very blessed Thanksgiving meal on Thanksgiving day. I was able to eat all day with very little discomfort. Granted I ate half of what I normally eat, but I was pleased to be able to eat what I did without great discomfort. So much thanks goes to friends who have prayed for me. And so much praise to God for allowing me to have a wonderful time eating. I also enjoyed visiting with one of my friends on Thanksgiving day. She is a very sweet lady and I simply adore her. I have not seen her in months so it was nice to be able to chat. I also chatted a bit with one of my brothers in-law. He has a problem with his gallbladder and he has lost weight for the same reason I have...not being able to eat without pain. We are both in the same boat and it was nice to have some one that understands. They have told my brother in-law that he needs surgery, but he is reluctant, especially after watching all that has happened to me. None of us knows what is up ahead, but I do know that the Lord will lead us through as we look to Him.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Wishing all our friends and family a very blessed Thanksgiving.
As we count our blessings we thank God for you.

~The Finleys~
Mark, Becky, Eric & Brandon

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Could you spare some prayer?

Hello friends, I humbly ask for your prayers. Recovery is still rough and not going the way I would like it to go. I am trying my best to keep my focus on the Lord. My digestion is still painful. There have been a few days where the pain was so bad I cried. Thankfully, these last few days the pain level has gone down (and I believe it is because of prayer). The pain is not gone, just at a more tolerable level which I am so thankful to God. My colon is healing well and is working great, but there is still a bit of stiffness, which I am hoping that will get better over time.

The annoying thing about having pain in my intestines is that I cannot eat a large meal, nor much meat. I have been sticking with light fare and my weight is dropping. Most of my pants are too big for me now, even my size small stretchy skirts are feeling a bit loose. I have dropped a total of 15 lbs since October 9th. I am small to begin with, so I am afraid to drop anymore weight. I saw my doctor and he has ordered a CT scan to see if he can locate the problem in my intestines. I showed him the area where the pain is and it is right next to the incision on the side where he attached the colon. My doctor and I are hoping this problem will resolve on its own, but he reassured me that this is a small problem and he can handle it. Bottom line, everything is in God's hands.

I have also been struggling with a UTI (urinary tract infection). I went to my GP and she prescribed a strong antibiotic which I had a reaction to within minutes of taking it. So I went back to the office and she prescribed something different. That one was in the same class of antibiotics as the other, but less concentration. I was prescribed two pills a day, but I can only manage 1 pill a day. I started to get tingling in my arms so I decided to stop taking it after 4 days. I go back to her on Dec. 4th and hopefully the UTI will be gone, but if it isn't, I am going to ask for some other class of antibiotic because that Floxin group does not do good things to me.

Christmas Crafting II

Well, I finished my second sequin tree. I decided to do this one with Shabby Chic in mind. It has iridescent 8mm sequins, with pink and iridescent white 5 mm sequins and silver seed beads. I decided that feathers best topped off this tree. What do you think? Below is a picture of my 2nd cat Princess with the tree. She is a reluctant model.

Happy crafting y'all!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

What Have I Done?

I saw a post at Sharon's blog titled "What Have You Done?" that inspired me to do this post. I like doing this because it helps me to think of the good things in life rather than focus on the hardships. A "count your blessings" thought project. Laced in amongst these blessings are trials. It always amazes me how I can be suffering so much yet enjoy such rich blessings at the same time. Our God is an awesome God!

Okay, here are twenty things that I have done in my life:

01. I was a tap dancer when I was little
02. I was in two school plays in 6th grade
03. I was in a girls choir in jr. high school
04. Won honorable mention in an essay contest
05. Had beignets at Cafe Du Monde in New Orleans
06. Eaten at Club 33 in Disneyland
07. I've seen the tallest, oldest and biggest trees on earth
08. I saw George Bush Sr. & Norman Schwarzkopf in person
09. Been to Arlington National Cemetery
10. A bull elk stood in front of our car in Yellowstone NP
11. Hiked to the top of Vernal Falls in Yosemite NP
12. Visited Ernest Hemingway's home in Key West
13. Saw the Milky Way in Arches NP
14. Have seen 3 bald eagles in the wild
15. Been to Butchart Gardens in Victoria, Canada
16. Been over and under the Golden Gate Bridge
17. Toured Mesa Verde NP
18. Climbed to the top of Lembert Dome in Yosemite
19. Saw the Hope Diamond at Natural History Simthsonian
20. Seen both Atlantic and Pacific oceans

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


I have a praise report. My son's friend that had to evacuate because of the fire is fine. He was at school and was happy to report that his house was saved. Yahoo! When I picked up my son Brandon from school, I went on campus for the first time since I was in the hospital. Everyone was so happy to see me. I got to chat with my favorite teacher at the school (she knows my sons so well). She said that she has cancer cells in her uterus. Her doctor is going to laser the lining of her uterus the first week in December. Her name is Lindi, so please pray for this dear sister in Christ. Prayer is the best way to love all our brothers & sisters, so keep praying everyone!!!

Well, my day started early. I was awake at 6:30 am. I did not want to get up, but I did. I was scheduled to see my main surgeon, Dr. M., for a check up at 8:30 am. Well, I got showered and all dressed, got over to the office and found out my appointment had been canceled. Someone goofed. So they got me a new appointment for next Tuesday. It was sort of a big deal because Mark took time away from work to be able to come to the appointment with me, but these things happen so not worth it to squawk. When I went down the stairwell, I ran into Dr. G., the surgeon who actually put my bowel together. He is a very kind man.

I rested at home for a bit after the doctor and then decided to hit the mall before going to pick up Brandon from school. Brandon gets out before Eric, so I pick up Brandon and Mark picks up Eric on his way home from work. Anyway, I have started doing my Christmas shopping already. Both boys have their birthdays in December, so I have extra work to do at this time of year. Okay, so I went to the mall and I picked up a gift card for a family member and then I picked up this candle holder. I could not resist. It was 50% off and amber colored.

I got this at Bath & Body Works. The orange glow you see is a tea light. Below is how it looks in the dark.

Is it not gorgeous? I think this makes up for what happened at the doctor's office. LOL

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Boys are Home

The boys got home safe and sound from camp. They came back with a few bumps & bruises, but nothing out of the ordinary for boys. The adults in the troop were calling Mark asking the best route to take home due to the fires. Everyone got through just fine. Mark called his cousin again and found that their family had narrowly escaped the fires. The fire was a mile away from their home when the winds suddenly shifted and moved it away from their area. Praise God! Brandon's friend from school who lives in Anaheim Hills called Brandon's cell phone at 3 AM Sunday morning and left a message. He was asking for prayer for his family because the fire was coming up to their backyard and they were evacuating. My son called him back and left a message, but has not gotten a call yet. Hopefully nothing bad has happened and he will see him at school.

As for me, I am still trying to recover. It is taking a lot longer than I would like. My colon is working great, it is just my digestive tract that is not right yet. We do have a virus that causes stomach aches and gas. I am hoping that all the stomach discomfort I feel is from a virus and not from the surgery. It may be a combo, but I cannot sort it out. I definitely need to be more patient (which I am not). I need more time to heal. I am still only able to eat half of a normal sized meal. Due to not being able to eat much my energy level is low, but praise God I have gained 1 lb! Please pray that all the pain I feel in my stomach/intestines would go away and that my eating will return to normal. Thanks so much!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Fire in Southern California

Here is a picture of the smoke from the Anaheim Hills/Yorba Linda fire burning in our county. Mark and I went out to breakfast this morning and everything was well then, but this afternoon the big black smoke clouds drifted over our way. Mark's cousin lives where the fire is burning. He just called to see how things are going. The family said they have their two cars packed up and they are ready to go anytime, but right now the fires are burning away from their neighborhood. We pray they keep doing so.

The winds were blowing hard enough last night that they blew my big potted tree over. I remember when the boys were small a big wind storm came through at night. Our neighbors at that time had a make shift carport they had made with steel pipes and tarps. It was very heavy and they had anchored it down with concrete blocks. Well, when the wind storm came it picked up that carport and slammed it against our block wall where it got mangled. Then it blew it over the block wall toward our house. I remember the pipes were tapping on the windows to the boys bedroom. It scared the boys and they got even more scared when Mark and I had to go out in the storm and dismantle the pipes so that they would not break through the windows. When daylight came we saw power poles leaning, broken signs, whole trees uprooted, and of course there was debris all over. We have not had a wind storm that bad for years now, instead we've had fires. Thankfully, Mark and I do not live near the hills, but some of our family does. My parents and my sister narrowly escaped the fires that burned in their area last year.

Mark and I were planning on going out to dinner to celebrate his birthday, but both of us are sick with a cold, so we are just going to stay in and rest tonight. We are enjoying our time alone together. Oh, here is another picture Mark took of the smoke from our front yard.

We are hoping that they are able to put the fires out soon. The winds have died down so maybe there is a chance it will get under control. Tomorrow the Boy Scout troop will be making their way home from Joshua Tree. They will have to go through the Anaheim Hills/Yorba Linda area to come home. We are praying that all is well with the troop and they are having a good time. I am sure the boys will have plenty of stories to tell us when they get home tomorrow.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Joshua Tree

Above is a picture of a Joshua tree in Joshua Tree National Park, California. My boys left for Joshua Tree tonight. They are going camping with their Boy Scout troop. Mark is taking them over to the church right now. They are going to carpool out to the camp with other scouts. This is a rare trip for them because Mark usually goes camping too, but this time he is staying home with me. A couples weekend for us, which we haven't had since July when we went away to celebrate our 25th anniversary. I know the boys will be fine because they are going to be with people that have known them since they were in 1st grade! Plus, I need to trust God, He will take good care of my sons. I guess us moms always worry about our children. Anyway, I cooked a nice dinner for the boys and then they got dressed up in their uniforms. They always look so handsome. ;-) I hugged each of them goodbye and told them I love them. They were so excited to go. Even though they drive me nuts, I miss them already.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


This is a picture my girlfriend in Maine sent me a few years back. She used to live near this lake. Beautiful isn't it? Autumn makes me think of change and in this past election that is what citizens of America voted for...change. Check out this link: http://www.parentalrights.org
I have signed the petition at this link and I hope you will too. Please read the article as it has important information that I think some Christians may not be aware of (I myself was not aware). Christian parents are concerned about the future. Since America has voted for change, I fear the change coming is not good change. I feel people are moving away from God toward a global society in an effort to have peace. Here is another article that I found interesting regarding this subject: http://www.glennbeck.com

In spite of all that is going on in the world, autumn is here. It continues to give us beauty and bounty each time it comes around. I am so thankful for the seasons, each one has its own special quality. Autumn makes me think of pumpkins, pie, apple cider, sweaters, colorful leaves, hot soup and cozy blankets. I am so blessed that even with the world the way it is, I can still enjoy God's blessings. They are new every morning!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Christmas Crafting

Here is my kitty Dusty posing with my newly crafted sequin Christmas tree. I set up a little photo shoot for my tree and Dusty decided she wanted to get into the picture. Isn't she adorable? I have had Dusty since she was kitten and she loves to be where ever I am. I've been working on the tree since my 2nd homecoming from the hospital. I just finished it today. I was thinking of giving it as a gift, but I don't know yet (silly me). I have two others in storage that I made last year. One is green & white with a maroon colored bird on top. The other is white, silver and various colors (like Christmas tree lights) with a glittered silver poinsettia on top. This gold & red one will go nicely with my Christmas placemats.

To make the tree, I used a medium sized styrofoam cone, large and small sequins, straight pins and seed beads. First I put a seed bead on the pin, then a small sequin and then the large one. Then I just push it into the base of the styrofoam cone and keep going around till I am done. The straight pins come in boxes of 500 and I used one box plus nearly finished another box. It takes close to 1000 pins, sequins & beads in the making. Here is another picture of the tree below.

I tried to make a cute bow at the top, which the picture doesn't do much justice to it. Oh well, below is another picture of Dusty. I think she likes the tree. ;-D

I am planning on making another tree, but have not decided on the colors yet. When it is done I will share the photos. Making these trees is pretty boring, but it helps keep my hands busy while I recover from surgery. It always feels good to create something pretty. Happy crafting y'all!

Saturday, November 8, 2008


I have been too tired and depressed to be on the computer. I am still struggling with recovery. Even so I got out to vote. It was important to do so as California had some major propositions on the ballot. My heart was sadden with the country's choice for president, but I knew it was coming. I have received two emails from good men of God that we must be praying and be prepared to stand for God. Personally, I began praying last year, as the Lord laid it on my heart to do so. I have begun praying that I will continue to stand for Him no matter what. That my affections would be no where else, but with my Lord Jesus. I am quite aware of my flesh and how weak it is. If I do anything good it is because of Him. Weak as I am, physically and mentally at this time, it is all His power.

There are not only struggles with my condition, but the company Mark works for is having some financial difficulties. The day I came home from my surgery there were layoffs at his place of work. One of Mark's friends was laid off. He is a Christian man and in a good position financially to withstand the layoff. So thankful for that, but still it is hard to be laid off. When Mark returned to work after taking vacation to care for me & our boys, he said the company has installed time-clocks for salaried people. They will begin using them in the new year. I was saddened to hear this. Since the layoffs, Mark has been going in to work early in the mornings and working extra hours as needed. This has added to my load at home, trying to manage the boys has been a challenge. One day I was very depressed and in an effort to get rid of my bad thoughts, I began doing heavy cleaning. The next day I awoke tired and sore. I over did things; it is still too soon for me. I still need naps in the afternoon or evening. My bowel is still healing and does not feel normal, plus I am still having difficulty with eating. It is a hard road right now and I have been a doubting Thomas. Even so God has told me He loves me. He is so GOOD!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Harvest Blessings

These are my two harvest blessings. Even though these two boys of mine drive me nuts at times, I am also very blessed by them.

Something about having that intestinal blockage really took quite a lot out of me. Plus I came down with a bladder infection from the cath at the hospital. I have felt so ill that I had no desire to lift a finger for Halloween. I slept most of this past week away after being so tired from all that I endured. I did helped the boys figure out their costumes, but for the first time in their lives we did not buy pumpkins. And I did not bother with getting candy for the dear little children in the neighborhood. The boys went to their uncle's house for Trick or Treating and the big family birthday party for their grandfather. Mark took them over and then their auntie brought them home. I stayed home and rested.

Today, Mark took me out shopping, which I haven't been shopping in 3 weeks. I was able to hit two stores in one trip out. We went to Target for odds & ends and then the grocery store. It tired me out and I had to take a nap, but later in the evening I took a walk around the block. So doing very well, but still not able to do any heavy lifting, nor tackle the vacuuming. And I still do not seem to have the brain power to teach, which I need to get back to soon.

I am experiencing an overwhelming feeling of ickiness. Mark says it is quite normal to feel this way after all that I have been through. Right now I am distressed about the way my intestines feel. My colon is coming along alright, it is making good progress. However, my intestines are still moving slow which takes the joy out of eating. It doesn't take much food before I get full and when I do get full I tend to get a bit of reflux. I did not have this trouble before the surgery, so I am worried this is something that is going to stay. My doctor told me that I have to wait 6 weeks at which point things should be getting somewhat better, but it will be 3 months before I begin to feel normal. I pray that this intestinal condition is going to go away and I will return to the way I was before surgery otherwise I think I am going to regret reconnection. Mark reminds me that I need to give it time. I have never been good at being patient and I always worry I have made a wrong choice.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Intestinal Blockage, Hopsital Stay, and Home Again

Hello everyone, just wanted to update you on what has happened the past week. Last Monday night (10-20), about 9 pm I began to get a stomach ache. By about 9:30 pm the stomach ache was horrendous and I broke out in a sweat. It was so bad all I could do was lie down on my side and moan. It felt like my insides were going to explode. I did pass something, but it did not make anything better, the pain kept up and got more intense. Then I began throwing up, so I told Mark he had to take me to ER. I got cleaned up after I had vomited on myself and got dressed which was almost too hard for the pain I was in. I got into the car and Mark drove me to the hospital at midnight. They took me back to the ER after a short wait of about maybe 5 minutes. They had to do it because I was rolling around in the chair in pain and moaning. They got me back there and could not find a vein for an IV, so they had to stick it in my foot, by the ankle. It hurt, but I did not care. Once I got some pain medicine I collapsed. They called my doctor and it took a couple hours before they got everything ready for a CT scan. I got some of the contrast stuff down, but the rest of it I threw up.

The CT scan showed I had an intestinal blockage. Two of my doctors showed up and spoke to me, then one of them told me the diagnosis and what they planned to do. I had a nasogastric tube inserted into my nose and down to my stomach. It stopped the horrible cramping pains as soon as it was done, but that tube was awful. Because it was there I was constantly swallowing and that hurt, but it suctioned everything out. The hospital was full the morning I came to ER and so I had to be sit in the ER for over 12 hours before I got a room. Finally, they wheeled me into a private room in the ER at my doctor's request and I immediately went to sleep. My main doctor showed up and told me not to worry he was not going to leave me he would take care of me.

Finally, I was taken up to a room in the evening. They took the tube out on Wednesday evening. They were pleased with the result of having the tube in. One of my doctors had told me that if I got worse while on the tube they would have to perform surgery. Since I got better it is most likely that I had an ileus, which is something that heals on its own. Also, there is greater chance of having a ileus happen after having bowel surgery. The odds of it happening are slim, but lately my life seems to land in the area of slim. I began eating again Thursday night, clear liquids. I did well, so they moved me up to milk products and I have done well with that. Since I am doing well, they let me go home. I think they were a bit hesitant, but Mark does not have anymore vacation time to take off. I am feeling weak and not able to contend with the antics of the boys nor home schooling. I came home to a messy house and tons of laundry and a beautiful vase of flowers sent to me by my friend Kathy W. Thank you Kathy!

I am eating very light and will continue to do so. I will be seeing my doctor soon, they want to keep an eye on me. When I went to surgery on October 9th I weighed 116, but now I weigh 106, so I have lost 10 lbs. Please pray that my bowel will return to normal and be healed. Thank you!

Saturday, October 18, 2008


It is still warm here, but the evenings are cool enough to send a chill through the house. I was up early this morning due to some pain. My tummy bloated up real bad and it was hurting so I was walking around the house to try and get things moving. As I was grumbling in pain I noticed a chill in the morning air as a bit of breeze blew through the open kitchen window. I also noticed the clouds in the sky as well as our Birch tree in the backyard sporting bright yellow leaves. That helped me calm down as I waddled around the house waiting for the pain to let up, which it finally did. I was able to move something out and it just amazes me when it happens.

Ever since I have come home from the hospital, I have been hanging around in my jammies. Just been relaxing in the recliner, sometimes I doze off. I am still in too much discomfort to want to get dressed or do much of anything. My surgery pain level is decreasing, so I am needing less pain medicine to be comfortable. The medicine does not take all the pain away, such as the discomfort I feel in my bowels when I move them, or the pain in the incision when my tummy bloats. I am still waiting on my bowels to get back to normal which I am sure is going to take longer than I want. So far I have not had much trouble as far as control of my bowel as the doctor said I would (no accidents). That is a blessing. Well, enough blogging for now, it is time for my next dose of pain medicine.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I am home

Hello, I am home from the hospital! It was a week ago today that I had my surgery to reverse my colostomy. The time of my surgery was delayed. I went into prep around 2:30 pm. Not being able to eat or drink made it uncomfortable, but no biggie. I was able to talk to my doctor before the surgery which was comforting and the surgery team was very nice. As I passed through the doors to the operating room I fell off to sleep. When I woke up later that evening I was in recovery and the first thing I noticed was that my stoma was gone. Next thing I knew I was wheeled into my private room and my husband and sons were with me. Friday, my room began to fill with flowers, visitors and the phone was ringing, it was a blessed day. The next few days were spent in a whirlwind of pain, needles, medicines, discomfort, etc. I had one day where I did regret not having a stoma simply because I was having such a hard time. I am thankful for all the nurses and doctors that cared for me during that time, they sure had to put up with some grumpiness. It is wonderful to be home with my men again, they missed me as well as the kitties. We had a family dinner tonight and everything tasted so good, I think because we are so happy to be altogether at home again. All of us will sleep well tonight. I still have a great deal of healing to do yet, but God has been very gracious to me and I am thankful. I am sure that He will continue to be with me in the days ahead. Many thanks to Candy and Sharon for your comments on my blog, they are very much appreciated.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Hospital Time

Here is a picture of the hospital. I do not know how long I will be there. I am scheduled for surgery at 1:15 PM (pacific time). I just got a phone call today that they changed the time. I wish they would have told me sooner. Oh well, Mark is taking the day off and this makes it so we can sleep in. Today I am doing the bowel prep. I have not been able to do much of anything for feeling ill. They told me to take two bottles of the saline. One went down fine, but the second one was too much for my small frame (5'1"). Shortly after taking it I heaved. Scared the boys, so they called their father at work. Ever since I have felt ill. Trying to drink more fluids, but everything has become unappealing. The pleasant lady on the phone told me not to worry they will give me an IV to hydrate me since I am not allowed to drink after midnight. Ugh! I sure hope they will be able to find a vein. It is always unpleasant to go through, multiple needle pokes.

Last night my cat jumped up on the bed and ran right over my tummy. Woke me right up and the first thing I thought of was that I am really going to surgery. I started crying and had to have Mark comfort me. It certainly will be hard to sleep tonight having a hungry tummy. I don't know that anyone reads my blog, but if you do, I humbly ask for prayer for all of us. Bless you!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Tomorrow is prep day

How to Survive a Bowel Prep

Many of us have endured this process before and here is what we have learned:

  • Prepare yourself mentally!

  • Eat lightly a couple of days before the bowel prep. Eat more fruit and green vegetables and reduce meat and dairy products. This will make it easier for your bowels to empty.

  • Some find that the mixture tastes best ice cold. So remember to put it in the refrigerator the day before your prep.

  • You may want to drink the mixture through a straw so the taste goes as far back in your mouth as possible. Drink it as fast as you can.

  • As soon as you have drunk the mixture, follow up with something strong tasting, such as your favorite flavored chewing gum, hard candy, or a spoonful of chicken broth to get the taste out of your mouth. Make sure whatever you follow up with is on your physician's list of approved liquids.

  • At some point the mixture will begin to "work". This may take some time. It seems to help things along if you drink approved liquids in between the "cocktails". Liquids such as ginger ale, chicken broth, lemonade, apple juice, are usually the most appealing. Remember to check with your physician for a list of what liquids are allowed.

  • If you have a tendency to develop hemorrhoids, be sure to have a hemorrhoid cream on hand. It contains a little bit of "local anesthesia" to ease the discomfort. Or you can use the wipes, such as Tucks. You'll be happy you did.

  • If you feel yourself getting sick after drinking the umpteenth glass, try holding a sachet pillow to your nose, or a handkerchief scented with your favorite perfume or essential oil.

  • Station yourself near the bathroom. Make yourself a little nest that's a short dash to the bathroom. Have near you the TV remote, approved liquids, pillows, and blankets. The urge to go will strike suddenly and without much warning, so be prepared for this little adventure by doing some advance planning.

  • Fill a basket with your favorite, easy-to-read books and magazines. Maybe include little electronic games such as Boggle, Yahtzee, etc. This will help give you something to pass the time while in the bathroom. The basket can picked up and taken with you as you move from bathroom to your nest.

  • Watch your favorite DVDs while you do the prep, so when the urge strikes you can just pause the movie till you get back.

Best wishes! And remember: many have gone before you and survived!

Monday, October 6, 2008


I am doing as much laundry as I can before I go off to the hospital. I have been trying to do some good cleaning too. I keep thinking that I am going to miss the freedom of movement I have gotten back from my last surgeries. It took a year to get my strength back after having two big surgeries plus having septic shock, sepsis and peritonitis. I have so enjoyed doing my gardening which I was not strong enough to do until August this year. I also just recently got back my gusto to teach the boys, as well as do the heavy cleaning around the house. After this surgery I will not be able to lift anything heavy like a laundry basket full of clothes, nor a bag of groceries. I won't be able to drive or take a bath (only a shower). I will have to take it easy for six weeks after surgery, which the 6 week mark will be November 20th. For awhile it will be difficult to teach being in pain and all, but I am hoping not as difficult as it was last autumn. I never felt so entirely weak as I did last autumn. The Lord got me through all of that and here I sit moaning. Am I not just as spoiled as spoiled can be? Oh well, I am just going to have to be patient and stop my grumbling. I need to wait on the Lord and marvel at all the wonderful, loving things He does.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Down the path to surgery

Our lovely autumn weekend is over. Tonight for dinner we ate up the rest of the homemade chili and cornbread. There was not enough chili for each of us to have a full bowl, so I baked potatoes and put the chili on top. We of course added cheese & sour cream, yum! For dessert we ate the other half of the pumpkin pie. The next two days I am going to be eating lightly in preparation for the bowel cleanse on Wednesday. My stomach has started filling up with nervous knots, so I am sure I won't feel like eating much these next two days anyway.

Wednesday at 8AM I begin the cleanse by downing my first dose of Fleet's (I affectionately call it Draino). Then at 12 noon I have a 2nd dose of Draino to take and then I am done with the "gag me with a spoon" part of the cleanse. While I am doing the cleanse I am going to be homeschooling. It will be okay because I have the colostomy and I won't need to run to the bathroom all the time. Really, I have not minded the colostomy much at all. Yes, it does get in the way at times, for instance sliding into a booth at the restaurant one time I managed to rip my appliance open and we had to go home. Sometimes the stoma bumps up against the kitchen counter, or I have to make sure when I carry the laundry basket I don't bump it. It took awhile to get the hang of managing it. At first I was a bit timid. The stoma is ugly, but it has been neat to have the opportunity to watch it work. I see God's handiwork. I am now thinking this sounds very silly, but that is how I think of it.

The boys said they want to double up on their work this week so they won't have anything to do on Thursday (surgery day). I hope they can manage it, but if not, they will be doing school work at the hospital. All of us have been a bundle of nerves in anticipation of the coming surgery which is only 3 days away now. Mark said his boss gave him a light work load because he can see that Mark is stressed about the surgery. When I think about it I get very emotional and start to cry. Everyday I keep my hands and mind busy. It is very hard to submit myself to surgery again after what happened last year. The error and the doctors are forgiven, but all the emotions, scars and trauma are still with me as well as my family. Actually, after the surgery that went wrong, I had two surgeries to fix me and those went well. So I am sure that with everyone praying this surgery will be a success also. I am hopeful that the hardest part of this surgery will be the emotions we are all re-living. Everything will come out that we worried ourselves for nothing and everyone will be telling us, "See, we told you it would be alright."

I am sorry if I am going on too much about this, it is just a big part of our lives right now. I hope that my writing about it will help others to have their faith strengthened. This is definitely a trial all of us are having to exercise our faith. The doctor did warn that he might have to give me an ileostomy, but he is pretty sure he won't have to do that, he just has to warn me in case something does go wrong. I have heard that some people are sorry they got reconnected, but I am praying that will not be my case. I pray that once everything gets back to normal I will be glad I did it.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Autumn at the Cottage

Today it felt like an autumn day for a change so I broke out the decorations as seen in the picture above. This past week was a warm one, it felt like summer was back. Friday evening clouds started rolling in from the sea and a cool breeze kicked up. I opened the window in our office/guest room to let it in. I laid on the guest bed enjoying it as my pink gauze curtain billowed over me.

Since it was a cool day, I was able to fire up stove and do some good home cooking. I cooked up a pot of homemade chili, a pan of cornbread made from scratch and I baked a delicious pumpkin pie. Which I really need to end here and go serve my men some pie. Wishing everyone a happy autumn!!!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Good Memories #2

This is one of my favorite pictures from our 2005 family vacation. It is a picture of my husband and youngest son Brandon on top of a sand dune at White Sands National Monument in New Mexico. I remember in the 1980's I saved box tops from cereal to send away for an atlas of the United States. In that atlas, they had a picture of White Sands National Monument and that picture made me want to go there. Well, I finally went in the summer of 2005. It was hot, but it was peaceful and the sand was so soft. We had fun hiking around, and the boys had fun sliding down the dunes.

This next picture is of my boys in The Painted Desert in Arizona (on the same trip). We traveled all over the southwest on our 2005 family vacation. We had a picnic nearby this lovely spot.

I have everything I need for my upcoming bowel prep. I have to start thinking of things I want to take to the hospital. Of course my Bible will be going and a little bed jacket that my sweet friend Monique gave me. I am trying to eat some favorite foods before the show gets on the road. I am so nervous.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Good Memories

Today I decided to post about some good memories I have. I am thinking of a vacation we took to Yosemite National Park. We rented the cabin pictured above. We have always enjoyed the best of family times up in the Sierra's. No TV, no phone, just the 4 of us playing games at the kitchen table in the evenings. Cooking in the tiny kitchen making simple meals that seem fabulous. The fresh mountain air, the wildlife, the stars in the night sky, the running streams and waterfalls, all of God's glory sweeps us away.

There is one special day that I remember well and I never want to forget. It was the day we took a hike up the side of a mountain to a lake that not many people see. When we got to the top of the mountain we could see the valley below for miles. The mountains were gorgeous, the sky so blue. We sat at the top and had a small lunch before we continued on. Once we got over the other side of the mountain, there was the lake in all it's splendor. Because it was so high up and untouched, it was still covered in ice. It was the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen.

I hope you have enjoyed my memory. I will share more of them as they come. Today I had dinner cooking in the crock-pot so I had time to listen to some old Christian music and sing my heart out. It felt so good. Well, ta-ta for tonight, I am going to go on an evening walk with my sons. Goodnight!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


With my upcoming surgery not far away, I feel the Lord has been ministering to me through the good wishes and prayers of friends. I am very blessed to see the love of God in a tangible way. I am thankful to all who are saying prayers for me and my family. I have also been finding that God is very concerned with the development of our character. One way that God develops our character is through trials, like the one we have been going through. Thankfully, God is not impressed by outward appearances, because I have not been a very together person lately. I am thankful that God looks on my heart, and that He sees what myself and others cannot. He knows what is best for me and my part is to trust that he does regardless of what I see up ahead. By faith not by sight, that has been my banner.

Jude 1:24-25 says, "Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, to God our Savior, who alone is wise, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever. Amen."

James 1:2-3 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

Today I bought my first package of Depends. My doctor told me to expect to have diarrhea and accidents after the reconnection of my bowel. It is going to take time to build the muscles up since they have been resting for over a year now. I also got my sparkling apple cider for the bowel prep cocktail. I just have to get the two bottles of Fleet soda (yuck). After doing errands I began to not feel well, sore throat, aches and slight congestion. I have not been sleeping well or much lately. I have been extremely tense, clenching my teeth, etc. Please pray that I will be well for my surgery and that God will fill me with His peace. Thank you.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Autumn Time

It is officially autumn and I've decorated my silk plant basket with some autumn color. The little sign was made by an artist who has a booth at Country Roads (my favorite antique mall). Here in sunny Southern California the weather is still warm, I am hoping it will cool down very soon.

I got some good bargains recently. I happened upon a clearance sale at Target while shopping for other items. I picked up a Shabby Chic valance for $2.75! I also picked up some velvet cotton pillow shams for $4.00 a piece, a chair pad for $6, some placemats for 48 cents a piece and a pretty amber glass toothbrush holder for $2.75! (pictured below)

There is good news to report! The boys are over their colds, and I am feeling better myself as well. I checked in with my friend Missy to see how Peyton did with her surgery. The surgery went really well and Peyton is feeling much better. When I was a child having tonsils removed was a big ordeal, but now with the use of lasers, having tonsils removed is not bad at all. I am so glad that little Peyton is doing well. If you prayed for Peyton, many thanks for your prayers.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Moments of Weakness

Do you ever have moments of weakness? Times when there is something you have to do and you are really scared? I am in that spot. The date is set, the time, what I need to do and it is only two weeks away till I go to the hospital. Of course I have an experienced doctor, an expert in his field and a good man as well. Even so, he is just a man; ultimately everything is in God’s hands. Last time I went for surgery, we made plans with the thought that everything would be fine. We live in Southern California and my husband and I went up to Northern California so I could have surgery with a specialist. He is one of the top doctors in his field, very experienced, a good man. I was only supposed to be gone 12 days as my boys eagerly waited my return, but, something went horribly wrong a few days after the surgery. I collapsed after my post-op appointment. The ambulance took me to the hospital as septic shock took over. I was rushed to an emergency surgery. When I came out my husband was told it was a very bad situation; I had a 50/50 chance of survival. I was hooked up to monitors, a respirator; two IV poles with loads of medicine and I had my very own nurse who never left my side.

I could not talk, due to the respirator, so my husband gave me a pen and paper and I wrote in tiny letters (not my normal handwriting) asking if I was going to die. I don’t remember doing it, but he showed me what I wrote when I woke up. I asked him what was his answer to me and he said that he spoke to me and told me I was going to live. He of course didn’t know and he left the hospital and cried. Three days later my breathing was strong enough I did not need the respirator. After it was removed I regained complete conciseness and I remember my doctor at my bedside on his knees telling me it was his fault. I was so weak I spoke in a whisper to him.

I remember a nurse washing my entire body while I lay in bed, because I couldn’t do it myself. I remember another nurse making me sit in a chair and it was too soon to bend my body that way. It caused me horrible pain even on heavy painkillers. I used a walker to walk and a nurse would stay by my side all the way around that ICU ward. The other nurses would cheer me on, everyone was filled with joy; it was a miracle I was alive.

I was in the hospital a month and that whole time I did not see my boys. I remember talking to them on the phone and hearing their pain. After awhile, my oldest son stopped talking to me, which hurt, but I knew why. I would lie awake at night wanting to make things better for them, but I couldn’t. The only thing I could do was work hard to get better. Some of those days I thought I was going to make it and other days I felt I wasn’t. I had to rely on God to take care of my sons, my husband and me. I know my cup was running over, God’s love and power were so evident in those days. Now that I am facing surgery once more, I am seeing God's wonderful love through so many people who are praying for us. But in the midst of it, I am watching my husband struggle with his emotions and sometimes one of my sons will have trouble sleeping. I myself am having trouble sleeping and I had to go to my GP and get some medicine. I think I should feel confident, but I feel fear. I want to be strong, but I am weak

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 2 Corinthians 12:9