Alone

I have some time to myself this evening. It is so quiet without my men here. Still in the background I can hear the window fan and an occasional car go by. I have been trying to keep my troubles tucked away, but then I got a phone call today letting me know that my Aunt has rectal cancer. Afterward I sat on my sofa and cried. Sometimes life feels completely overwhelming.

My Aunt is having surgery on August 3rd, the same day my father in-law starts his treatment for cancer. She has been having issues for quite some time and they passed her problems off as IBS which angers me. She kept asking for a colonoscopy and when they finally gave her one they found the cancer. My Aunt is 80 and so I worry she will not make it. She has always been a strong woman, but when I saw her at my uncle's memorial she looked thin.

I went and got my blood test for my pancreas on Monday. My bowel doctor told me to go when the pain was bothering me, so I did. I looked up about the pancreas and the symptoms sort of fit, but I have a feeling that my pancreas is fine. As for my pain, it started up on Sunday and it has not quit since.

Something has been troubling me. When I talked to my endo doctor last week he said that he can take a look inside, but he has put a stipulation on it. He wants me to take a new drug for IBS. I told him no which probably did not make him happy. I am sure that my problem is scar tissue and I do not think any drug is going to slove that problem. I am done with pills. All those drugs I took in 2007 to get rid of the sepsis had side effects. One of them was that it could damage my hearing, which it did. My inner ear got damaged and I have problems with dizziness and pressurization. Plus, my trial of the Danazol in May was not a good experience.

I guess doors are closed. I want to be released from this torture of pain, but I fear I will not. I cook food for my family, but for me, much of the joy of eating has been taken away. It is a hard place to be. Often times I feel very alone in my problems, but the Lord brings comfort. Today both my boys told me that they wish my pain was in them. It makes me cry to think of it. I know God is here with me. I must keep trusting that all things work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)