Friday, October 23, 2009

My Sons

This is my favorite picture on a Christmas morning. Hello all, for some reason I feel compelled to write about my sons. I have attempted to write about parenting my boys a few times before, only to delete the post. When I could not have children of my own I turned to adoption. Mark and I prayed and we both felt strongly lead to adopt from the county Social Services Agency that I had worked for. One of my jobs was to type the roster for the children's home and I even visited it a few times. Children in the county system have issues; some are born addicted to drugs, some have behavior issues, and others have development problems, etc.

Mark and I went through training to be foster parents and waited for a match. However, nothing can fully prepare you for what you are getting in to. Our day finally came and we received two special needs children into our home. Both of our boys have RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) which is no piece of cake to deal with. I knew I did not have what it takes to parent these boys and told the Lord so. It was in obedience to Him that I stepped out and told the social worker I would adopt them.

The thing about RAD children is they are defiant regardless of consequences. They can easily take on the victim role. This makes parenting difficult. Have you held a small child in your arms only to have them spit in your face? Or kick you in the back of your head? Even so, the Lord blessed me and I have develop an attachment with both of my boys. My parenting is backwards from normal though. RAD children tend to be destructive to themselves. As a result I have given my children good things regardless of their behavior. I know this sounds very odd, but I tell them that I am doing it because I love them. It is based on me, not on them. I let them know they do not deserve it because of their behavior, but because I love them. This has healed some wounds.

We knew of another couple that took in a foster girl with RAD and wanted to adopt her. They loved her and worked with her. They took the opposite parenting technique from us. Discipline was heavy at their house. They said they were standing on God's principles and the child needed to conform. The girl never saw the point of it and she felt victimized and unloved. The relationship grew hostile, till one day the girl ran away. She was picked up by Social Services and she told her social worker that she did not want to return to her foster parents. She said they were mean and she hated them. The couple was heart broken. They repeatedly tried to re-establish contact with her, but the girl refused it.

My boys are good boys, they do not smoke, drink or do drugs. They do not slip out at night. We are blessed that they actually enjoy spending time with us. Often times I get discouraged, hurt, impatient, or worn down by their defiant behaviors as any normal parent does. When I do I try to think about the Lord and how He has been so loving and kind to me even when I have not responded the way I should. This helps me to continue to pursue patience with my sons. There are times when my sons do obey my direction and these are huge accomplishments, but then they backslide and ground must be regained. Some areas are untouchable it seems, behaviors are not easily parted with and remain a Rubik's cube.

When I had my near death experience in 2007, the Lord made it very clear to me that I was healed from sepsis to continue on with my work with the sons He gave me. I was impressed with the knowledge that the Lord deems my work important. So I continue to be here for my sons as the Lord has directed. Rebels that they are, I encourage them to rebel for the right reasons not the wrong ones. If you feel led of the Lord, please say a prayer for my sons, that they would give their full heart to Jesus and trust Him. Thank you!

4 comments: said...

you must have a real challenge there! we have foster kids in our home weekly during bible study. it is always a challenge. yesterday one of them urinated on my carpet in different places. it was my new carpet i just got a few months ago. he also told one of the kids he was going to cut it with scissors. Every week is a new challenge for me. I want to show the love of Jesus to them. There are also a lot of challenges with my kids intereacting with them. We will have to keep eachother in prayer :-) You more than me since you live with the challenge 24/7.
also i loved your scary brocolli story! that was scary. i had just got done suctioning when i read it, so i had a real visualization!!! Your awesome!

Candy-faith said...

This was a nice post Becky! I can see how awesome of a Mom you are! I know it must be really tough at times but God gave them to YOU, He knew that you and your husband were the right parents for these boys, and He knew that you could handle it. He never gives us more than we can handle. You are doing a wonderful job and I sincerely hope Im standing with you in Heaven one day when God tells you how faithful you have been and how He knew there were times that were sooo tough, but how you stayed strong and stayed in there and gave your best.
I really admire you a lot for the type of Mom that you are.
My Mom ran a group home for years and her and my Dad take care of a man fulltime in their home (the man is a mentally challenged adult). And my brother, though he doesnt live with them, he has his own place, has asberger syndrome and juvenile diabetes. So Ive seen a little how challenging it can be to care for children with special needs or to care for anyone with special needs. It takes a special person to be able to do that and you are definitely special Becky!

ps....the music on your blog is so soothing!

Susan said...

Becky, I enjoyed learning more about you and your family's history. What a special couple you and your husband are to take on such challenging kids - and how blessed they are to have ended up with you! Trust me, even biological kids are complete with challenges (at least mine are), but you're right - prayer is our best tool. I'll lift your family and your boys up today.

Sue said...

Dear Becky, thank you for sharing about your sons. The lord has obviously given you a special wisdom and grace in order to parent them. They are extremely blessed to have you!