Friday, September 26, 2008

Moments of Weakness

Do you ever have moments of weakness? Times when there is something you have to do and you are really scared? I am in that spot. The date is set, the time, what I need to do and it is only two weeks away till I go to the hospital. Of course I have an experienced doctor, an expert in his field and a good man as well. Even so, he is just a man; ultimately everything is in God’s hands. Last time I went for surgery, we made plans with the thought that everything would be fine. We live in Southern California and my husband and I went up to Northern California so I could have surgery with a specialist. He is one of the top doctors in his field, very experienced, a good man. I was only supposed to be gone 12 days as my boys eagerly waited my return, but, something went horribly wrong a few days after the surgery. I collapsed after my post-op appointment. The ambulance took me to the hospital as septic shock took over. I was rushed to an emergency surgery. When I came out my husband was told it was a very bad situation; I had a 50/50 chance of survival. I was hooked up to monitors, a respirator; two IV poles with loads of medicine and I had my very own nurse who never left my side.

I could not talk, due to the respirator, so my husband gave me a pen and paper and I wrote in tiny letters (not my normal handwriting) asking if I was going to die. I don’t remember doing it, but he showed me what I wrote when I woke up. I asked him what was his answer to me and he said that he spoke to me and told me I was going to live. He of course didn’t know and he left the hospital and cried. Three days later my breathing was strong enough I did not need the respirator. After it was removed I regained complete conciseness and I remember my doctor at my bedside on his knees telling me it was his fault. I was so weak I spoke in a whisper to him.

I remember a nurse washing my entire body while I lay in bed, because I couldn’t do it myself. I remember another nurse making me sit in a chair and it was too soon to bend my body that way. It caused me horrible pain even on heavy painkillers. I used a walker to walk and a nurse would stay by my side all the way around that ICU ward. The other nurses would cheer me on, everyone was filled with joy; it was a miracle I was alive.

I was in the hospital a month and that whole time I did not see my boys. I remember talking to them on the phone and hearing their pain. After awhile, my oldest son stopped talking to me, which hurt, but I knew why. I would lie awake at night wanting to make things better for them, but I couldn’t. The only thing I could do was work hard to get better. Some of those days I thought I was going to make it and other days I felt I wasn’t. I had to rely on God to take care of my sons, my husband and me. I know my cup was running over, God’s love and power were so evident in those days. Now that I am facing surgery once more, I am seeing God's wonderful love through so many people who are praying for us. But in the midst of it, I am watching my husband struggle with his emotions and sometimes one of my sons will have trouble sleeping. I myself am having trouble sleeping and I had to go to my GP and get some medicine. I think I should feel confident, but I feel fear. I want to be strong, but I am weak

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

2 comments:

Sharon said...

Praying for you, dear Becky.

becky said...

Thank you dear Sharon!